Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Liz Jones: Rant 3

I have often wondered, given the success of my last Liz Jones blog post, if I should do another.  I was acutely aware that I would have to find something else that irritated me just as much, that it shouldn’t be written for no reason.  I think part of the reason why so many people commented on and congratulated me on the last blog post is because it was necessary.  It was filled with such hate, such loathing for her and it was 100% genuine.  Articles by this pan faced witch have come and gone since.  They have left me sitting at my desk, rolling my eyes and twitching my fingers, but none have affected me in the same way as before.  I haven’t had that uncontrollable urge to write about how much I wish she would disappear off the face of the earth.  Until now.

She has an article on the Daily Mail website today called “Celebrity Clones:  Conker-coloured, tumbling hair, doe eyes and glossy lips:  Why do so many female stars look the same?”  Here we go again...

had Cheryl Cole made a surprise, unannounced return to her rightful place on the judging panel?  No, the doe eyed, dark haired doppelganger was merely Tulisa, who has abandoned any sense of being young, or modern, or different  Oh where to begin?  Well first off, even the title of this article screams “I AM SO JEALOUS THAT I AM TOO OLD AND DECREPID TO LOOK LIKE ONE OF THESE GIRLS”.  Just accept you are 158 Liz, and then work from there.  GROW OLD GRACEFULLY.  Secondly, now Tulisa has eyes and dark hair, that means she is trying to be exactly like Cheryl Cole?  If that was the case then she would have punched Mischa B during a toilet break on the show weeks ago.  They have the same colour hair, and a FACE.  Does that make them twins?  SO WHAT LIZ?  I hate you.

I use the word ‘dolly’ deliberately.  It is no longer acceptable for women to look fresh faced and in any way uniqueAre you SHITTING ME LIZ?  You are now having a go at people for NOT LOOKING NATURAL?   Compared to your boat i’ve seen more natural ice skating pigeons?  This is the HEIGHT of hypocrisy – no one slams Jones publically (apart from me) for modelling herself on Morticia Adams/the little girl out of The Ring, so why does she have the right to do it to others?  Gah.

human lashes no longer cut it.  You need eyelash extensions which not only cost £200 to be applied, they need special balms to “keep them glossy You are a total retard.  Do you think people really have eyelash extensions like that?  You can get strip eyelashes from Boots for £5.  You put them on yourself, it takes 5 mins.  You go out, get hammered, come home and wake up with them stuck to your face the next morning and wind up looking like Hitler.  NO ONE gets £200 eyelash extensions and spends 2 hours of their day conditioning them.  COME BACK TO THE REAL WORLD JONES, you know, the world where people are skint and have more important things to worry about than whether Tulisa’s eyelashes are real or not?

these eyelashes now occupy the time and energy of young women the length and breadth of the land, and are as difficult to look after as a newborn  WAR ON EYELASHES.  DEATH TO ALL EYELASHES.  EYELASHES ARE THE NEW INFIDELS.  Again, I don’t know anyone that pays that much for fake eyelashes.  Do you live in Narnia Jones?  Wearing fake eyelashes and having to wipe a serum on them once a day makes them as difficult to look after as a newborn does it?  You know that time when you tried to milk your ex boyfriend without him knowing because you wanted to artificially inseminate yourself like some crazed COW?  Yeah don’t ever do that again, because I literally could not think of anything worse than you having a child.

Take Victoria Beckham and Cheryl Cole for example.  Both women were probably born mousy, but now the Cheryl Cole ‘chocolate’ is flying off the home-colouring shelves in Boots  Oh so you HAVE heard of that commoners shop called Boots?  Can I ask you a question Jones?  I know you are far too young to need to do this, but have you never dyed your hair?  Oh you HAVE?  That’s why it looks like you don’t have hair, but have instead replaced it with a towel covered in black paint that you drape over your head everyday?  Cool.  Another question if you don’t mind – if you were going to go to the bother of dying your hair, wouldn’t you rather dye it a nice colour instead of opting for mousy? If I ever meet you Jones I will shave your face off.

Is it a bad thing that all these super-rich, super-influential women are persuading the rest of us to spend a good deal of time and money in the beauty salon?”  I don’t know about you, but i’ve never had a phone call from Jennifer Aniston ‘persuading’ me to buy some shoes, or Cheryl Cole ‘persuading’ me to dye my hair brown.  They have their own heads, and they do what they want with them.  If any girls like what they have done with their heads, they will do it too.  IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

I think all these women resembling each other so uncannily is like an infection”  No it’s not Jones.  Do you know what is like an infection?  You.  An irritating, annoying, case of the clap that won’t go away, no matter how many times you try to eradicate it.  There should be a whole department of medical science dedicated to finding out why you are here.  Why are you allowed to talk, why you are allowed to TYPE.

I was watching TOWIE with a teenage male relative recently and asked him which of the girls he preferred.  “Does it matter?” he asked”  Christ, you can tell he’s related to you.  He might as well top himself now.  I feel sorry for the poor kid because i’d rather ask Ian Huntley if I can use his bathroom quickly than sit on a seat watching TOWIE with you.

Every time I read one of her articles, I wonder how she’s done it.  I know that the reason she is continually allowed to write for the Daily Mail is because she brings controversy with her whenever she writes, and controversy brings publicity (although I am 25 and probably in the age group that’s top of Liz’s thick list, even I know that).  I just don’t get how she first secured this job.  There are thousands of women all over the UK that can write and share their opinions in a healthy way.  Liz Jones doesn’t share her opinion, she rams it down your throat and tries to belittle you if you think otherwise.  She clearly despises any women who is younger than her, better looking than her and has chosen any different choice to her in life.  Kids?  Forget it, you’ve wasted your life.  Happy in a normal job?  Lack of ambition, you should be shot.

Liz Jones, you are the epitome of everything that is wrong with women in this country.  The problem isn’t that girls want to look nice, the problem is old hags like you that have a problem with it.  Just accept you look like a goat and maybe we can all move on.


  1. Are her eyebrows real or tattooed on like Edwina Currie's?

  2. LOLOLOLO. That was tooooooo funny. I now hate her too.

    Just accept the Daily Mail is an evil, misogynistic, homophobic, racist and nazi loving rag.

    Did you ever read about their story on Jonathon Ross about his gay daughter? The comments from readers are even worse. "it couldnt have happened to a nicer person". Seriously fucked up.

    Have a squiz.


  3. Every time you write about Liz Jones it makes me love your blog all the more! You're hilarious when you get angry!! Haha! Love the Morsh! :)

  4. Brilliantly funny as usual. I am now filled with anger though, and have starting typing very aggressively because that woman drives me insane. The only explanation is that she is an actual Witch. From Roald Dahl's The Witches, post wig removal.