Wednesday, 24 July 2013

and I thought the Daily Mail was bad...

The Royal Baby is here and isn’t it bloody fucking lovely?  Doesn’t it make London feel just like it did at the Royal Wedding, or when the Olympics was on?  Isn’t everyone filled with sunshine and rainbows and in a constant state of perpetual happiness?

No?  Ok, not quite, but it is cute.  It’s cute from the Royal Prince’s little wave as he was bought out of the hospital, right down to the dress Kate wore to showcase the tot that matched Diana’s when she’d de-sprogged.  It’s cute that most people are a bit bothered.  It’s cute that William totally shat himself when he had to put the car seat into the car for the first time.  It’s all cute, and most of London are embracing this cuteness.

It’s a shame then, that Ok! Magazine have decided to run a story THE DAY AFTER KATE GAVE BIRTH, about her fitness regime to get her back into shape.  What sort of fucking story is that?  Before the baby was born I was getting irritated with the news surrounding it.  “Kate breaks down over pressure of being a mum”, “Kate can’t cope” “Kate is scared 7up will come out of her nipples instead of milk when she attempts to breastfeed” – Do any of these magazines expect us to think for 1 second that any of the content of these articles are true?  I fully believe that we have more chance of the Royal Prince sprouting wings and flying to Africa to punch Nelson Mandela right in the death bed then we have of Kate disclosing any sort of personal information, thoughts or feelings to any part of the media.

So yeah, I thought the press BEFORE the birth were bad, but I had no idea.  You would have thought the worst thing about this situation would be that there were so many press outside the hospital waiting to see the baby, that Wills and Kate got only 4 HOURS ALONE with their child before he became public property.  4 HOURS.  Can you imagine giving birth, having a day of tests and hair appointments and this and that and then when any NORMAL couple would go home and bond with the kid, instead he’s yanked out of your arms and dangled in front of the worlds media so they can have an opinion of every aspect of his life, for the REST of his life?  I mean, some of the press are moaning that we haven’t got a name yet – are they freaking serious?  Give them a chance!  They probably haven’t had time to think of a name because they have been surrounded by press officers, hairdressers, stylists and PR people trying to get them ready for the Prince’s debut into the media circus (which, coincidentally, the press were moaning about because they were told they’d come out at 6pm, and at 7.10 they were still waiting – get a grip).

That isn’t the worst thing about this situation though.  The worst thing is that people are even speculating about how Kate is going to get back in shape after the birth, when she hadn’t even left the hospital?  I liked that she came out with her deflated baby bump on show – it shows what a real woman looks like after she has given birth.  She could have easily worn some fucking £10,000 designer tent and no one would have seen it, but she clearly didn’t give a fuck and I like that.  That’s why I like Wills and Kate, because they do their bit but still want the press to back the fuck off – all you have to do is utter the name Diana to realise why Wills feels this way.  I know they are both in the public eye, but Kate’s job isn’t to be skinny, it’s to be ROYAL.  She’ll ditch that baby weight in her own time, but I can guarantee she probably has a million things that are more important to her at the moment – like trying to stop Camilla from eating the baby?

So to narrow it down, the press are vultures, Ok! can FuckOff! and Kate is a total MILF.  The baby is cute, it’s made me feel all patriotic and now I am off to rub my ovaries while simultaneously waving a Union Jack and eating for 2 – no I am not pregnant but I might as well practice for when I am right?

P.S That baby is totes going to be called George.  Or Alex.  If it’s Nicholas I will fully spaz.

Friday, 19 July 2013

The hardest thing in the world everrrrrrrr

So I am back blogging after suffering from really annoying writers block which consisted of me writing loads of blogs, getting 2 thirds of the way through and then deleting them as I had convinced myself I was talking a load of shit.  This may still be the case, but I don’t feel as bad about it anymore, so deal with it!

To help me combat this writers block, and to give myself a bit of an exercise, I asked my twitter followers (my Twitter handle is @queenmorsh FYI) to all tweet me 1 word, and I would try and include them all in a blog post.  I have written a short piece about LOVE with all words included and believe me now, it was HARD.  My followers definitely weren’t easy on me & please bear in mind some of these words I had never even HEARD of and I found the explanations online - there is a list below detailing the words I was given and the meanings I found online...


The subject of my blog today is LOVE.  Good old fashioned love.  It’s the one thing that differentiates humans from animals, the one thing that we all have in common.  The ability to love overwhelms and consumes some of us, where for others it has a totally different meaning.  It could be as simple as a fiduciary arrangement, nothing more than a matter of convenience, whereas for others it can be spontaneous, consuming, overwhelming and the thing that makes their lives have meaning.  Love can be a peculiar thing. 

Summer is a great time to be single, it’s the winter months where everyone wants to be in a relationship.  In summer you can go out all day drinking with your friends in the sunshine, stay out till late indulging in acts of debauchery and it’s all perfectly acceptable.  Summer is all sunshine and toes out, laying in parks and drinking bubbles after work in the heat.  In the winter you don’t want to go out after work and run the risk of catching some sort of ridiculous winter ailment like Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis (cough).  You want spend your nights chilling, stuffing your face with crumpets in front of the fire at home and just watch a film - if it’s October you need a companion to hide from the ultimate winter nemesis - little kids dressed as dinosaurs, dragons or a mutant princess while they are trick or treating – laying on the floor in a pitch black house giggling while little rascal kids whine through your letterbox is no fun on your own.   

Being in a relationship is all well and good, but when a relationship ends it floors you.  You walk around inconsolable, unable to hold conversations, unable to eat, drink.   You almost feel floccinaucinihilipilification (I know, this is just ridiculous now), like you will never love again.  The mere mention of weddings makes you want to encourage antidisestablishmentarianism (*clears throat*) just because you can’t bear to hear about rings or venues or cakes or HAPPINESS.  SOD OFF EVERYONE.  You let yourself go, eating cakes and fully embracing a lycanthropic state of mind, to the point of almost being moribund.  Your friends gather around you in a state of phalanx, deflecting questions about the break up and protecting you from any potential upset (or seeing the beast your ex is now with).  The entire messy relationship sporadically comes back to you and you can’t remember the bad times – to you it was amazing, nothing short of it.  You’ve forgotten how much you wanted to punch his shrimpy little face in when he left the toilet seat up and invaded your personal space, and it’s because you have created a false ideology about him.  You’re forgetting the frankly perpendicular decline your relationship entered into, and just remembering all those times he bought you tulips when you didn’t feel well and then sat next to you playing the xbox all night which at the time you thought was sweet, but now just realise it’s bullshit.

In short, we might all be getting older, and we might all think we want to settle down, but in reality relationships are nothing more than a pain in the frenulum (I have given up with that one).

List of words I was given:

Sporadic – occasionally, irregular intervals
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis - type of lung disease
Floccinaucinihilipilification – valueless
Lycanthropic – the delusion in which one imagines oneself to be a wolf or  other wild animal
antidisestablishmentarianism – withdrawal of state support from an established church
Phalanax – any body of troops in close array – military
Moribund – morose, near death
Perpendicular – straight up or down, steep
Fiduciary – legal or ethical relationship or trust between 2 or more parties
Frenulum – small fold underneath tongue

So there you go - would love some contrstuctive critiscism or any comments considering I am doing this for a reason (to try and improve my writing) but as a first task I don't thnk I did TOO badly *dies*

Thursday, 18 April 2013

Samantha Brick for Christs sake

Guess who’s back...

That’s right, I have come back out of blogging retirement and Samantha Brick is going DOWN.

Yep, she’s done it again – that selfish, irresponsible, self indulgent woman has rambled too far this time.  She’s written an article about how if women want to stay beautiful (she’s even written ‘like me!’ in brackets after those words), then they have to constantly diet.  Where do I even fucking begin?

She starts by saying that she was having a dinner party and told her friends not to bring any food with them.  She then writes “when one friend arrived and thrust a hefty box of chocolates into my hands, I rewarded her with ice cold contempt rather than the grateful smile she was clearly expecting”.  The reason Brick’s friend (I use this in the loosest possible terms, because I refuse to believe she has any real friends left) was expecting a smile, is because this is something a polite and friendly person would do.  Whether she wanted the chocolates or not, treating someone with ‘ice-cold contempt’ because they have given you some is just rude and immature.  She thinks being on a diet means you can ignore manners, social etiquette and politeness?  If she had done that to me, I would have never stopped punching her.  EVER.  I would have quit my job and never washed again, just so I could keep punching her.

“Any self respecting woman wants to be thin”.  For a writer she has used an extraordinary set of words there.  So if you don’t want to be thin you don’t respect yourself?  I am not what you would class as thin – someone like Samantha Brick would probably call me fat, but I feel in myself I am neither skinny nor fat.  I am in some squashy, untoned place within these two labels.  Regardless of this, I do respect myself and I for one, don’t care about labels.  One of the million things that is wrong with this article is that Brick is labelling herself, other women, everyone else CONSTANTLY.  As a woman in the media she should be encouraging women not to worry about how many biscuits they had at lunch, but to ignore the labels.  Teach them that they are just themselves, and they should be comfortable this way.  *belts out Born This Way by Gaga* *rest of office joins in for a spontaneous musical number*

“I don’t believe overweight is ever attractive”.  One word here - Adele.  Albeit overweight, I think Adele is ridiculously, STUNNINGLY beautiful.  Being attractive isn’t about the size of your waist line, nine times out of ten it boils down to confidence, some good make up and a smile.  Adele is more attractive then most people I know, and I bet most blokes would rather be in bed with Adele having a laugh then banging away at the cold dead eyes of Samantha ‘ironing board' Brick.  But GOD FORBID we should say someone else in this universe was more attractive then this stupid blonde hemorrhoid.

She then goes on to say that Joan Collins has confirmed that the only way to maintain an hourglass figure into your 70s is to spend every day of your life on a diet.  Food, eating and meals are a very social thing, and I would hate to spend the rest of my life not wanting to participate in said meals because all I could eat was a fucking breadstick.  Fuck that for a month, let alone for the rest of my life!   Some of us have better things to do then stay at home alone being thin. 

“I was glad to see the back of Easter this month, as it seems to have been hijacked by the greedy masses who regard it as a free pass to gorge on chocolate” – this response is short and sweet;  Don’t take any notice about what other people are doing at Easter, you stupid bitch.

“My husband of 5 years frequently tells me that if I put on weight he will divorce me” – surely by now Pascal (the horrifically long suffering OR equally as self indulgent, arrogant and vile husband) has worked out that Brick getting fat is the least of his problems whilst she still has a voice box and the ability to communicate?  She’s lucky he hasn’t disposed of her rake like body in the River Seine by now.

It’s now got to that inevitable point where I can barely be bothered to read any more.  She says to lose her puppy fat when she was 14 she spent the best part of a year only eating marmite on toast with no butter and when she was at college she lived on 1 packet of polos for breakfast and 1 for lunch, only stopping when her dentist told her about the damage she was doing to her teeth.  I guess Brick would rather have breath like a tramps armpit then be SHOCK HORROR, a size 12 or something?!  God damn she’s irritating.

She finishes off the article nicely with the most incredible statement from the entire article.  She says once every quarter she embarks on a low calorie diet that ensures a weight loss of half a stone, but coincidentally means she doesn’t have “the mental or physical fortitude to work”.  Is this woman on crack?!

I know she does this for the headlines, and I know people like me feed her (ha) sense of self worth and bank account, but this needs to be said.  Does she really think what she is saying is welcomed by other women, and a responsible way to live?  Surely being happy and trying to cut out a bit of the junk (but not too much, effectively eating whatever you want) is the healthiest way to live.  I would rather be out having a laugh at a meal with Brick sneering at me in the background, then laid up in bed too tired to move, but a size 6?  God I can’t believe the Daily Mail actually let this woman write on their website.  I know they are all for controversy but this entire article is self-deprecating to women, irresponsible and a disastrous move from a woman who other girls could look up to.   As much as the thought of her being a role model for anyone is inconceivable, i’m sure she is and due to this I have this one final comment:  she needs to learn to watch her mouth more than her waist line.

*eats gigantic cookie*.

Monday, 14 January 2013

Laqa & Co Nail Pens

Haven’t done one of these posts for a while...

A few months ago the wonderful, amazing, extremely patient Soraya from Powder Rooms sent me one of these Laqa and Co polish pens to trial, and I have finally got around to posting about it.  I was extremely excited to receive one of these pens as they seem like such a good idea and make the prospect of applying nail polish on the go seem more manageable. 

First attempt, 1 coat
I picked the colour Blurple as I am sure you all know that if there’s one thing I cannot resist, it’s a bright purple nail polish.  The pens are almost like a felt tip but with more of a ‘brush’ nib instead of a thick one.  The colour is shown at the end of the ‘pen’ and you click this to push the colour out of the tube into the brush, which is how you apply it onto your nails.  I found this a bit tricky, as the colour would always come out towards the neck of the tube and not push further into the brush, so I would have to scrape the colour onto my nail and then use the brush to spread it out.

Entire hand, 1 coat
The colour is amazing, but the brush makes it quite tricky to apply and not very even.  It’s very ‘liney’ as you can see from the above picture, and although it dries quickly, it almost dries to a matte effect?  This is fine, but was just something that I wasn’t expecting.  It takes a good 4 coats for this polish to be distributed evenly over the entire nail with no streaks and although I liked the finished result, this could be achieved much more easily with a normal nail polish with a decent brush.

Entire hand, 4 coats (finished)
I have used a picture of my nails before the tidy up as I want you to see how easy it was to apply without getting it all over your tips – obviously I tried not to do this, but the more polish you use the more ‘gloopy’ the brush gets making it harder to spread out over the nail – you do kind of end up with just a brush lump covered in polish that you have to keep wiping onto your nail...

Pen 'nib'
All in all I am not too excited about this product after use.  It has it’s good points, being that it’s extremely travel friendly in size and if you have a bit of time to spend taking care and doing your nails slowly and waiting for each layer to dry etc, it would be fine.  There bad points are that I was excited that this would be a product I could use ‘on the go’  when really this isn’t the case at all, and the texture of the polish is very thick and sticky, making it quite hard to paint it on evenly and without streaks.

Lovely idea, amazing packaging, beautiful colours but I just find the good old bottle & brush way slightly easier. 

Have you ever tried Laqa & Co pens?  If so i’d love to hear your thoughts and see if it’s just me that can’t get on with them that well...

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

Did you miss me?  Yes?  No?  Oh. 

I have taken a bit of a hiatus from the blogging world recently for a number of reasons.  I hate it when bloggers are all like “sorry for not posting” blah blah because 1) I am sure no one even noticed that i’d fucked off for a bit and 2) I can blog whenever I want SO GET OFF MY BACK OK *stare face*.  Anyway, the most important thing is that I am back now so quit your whingeing.  MORSH IS HERE.

Christmas is done and to me it just feels like a blur of mental nights, too much food and FAR too much alcohol.  It was bitter sweet for me, happy because it’s Christmas and I could literally do whatver I wanted every day without WORK getting in the way (by do whatever I want I just mean wake up, have a bath and start drinking – do I have an alcohol problem?  Hopefully)  but sad because 2 of my best friends went travelling on the 30th.  They bit the bullet and went and now while I am at work typing this and trying to stuff a turkey sandwich in my mouth (yep, still not over Turkey yet) they are out to dinner at a Thai beach front gaff with an Irishman called Dylan.  Jealous!  Anyway, I am not entirely sure what January and the rest of the year are going to hold for me, but if I run out of material I will be sure to update you on Charlie and Jo’s travels, might as well live my life through them if my own is boring.

I don’t have any new years resolutions, I honestly think they are the biggest waste of time ever.  I am not going to not drink as much this year, I am not going to be more responsible, be more careful with my money or stop getting involved with the wrong men, so I am not even going to bother saying it.  Whatever will be will be, and me banging on to everyone about all the amazing things I think I am going to do but totally sack off by the 15th Jan is just pointless.    

Lots of lovely things happened at the end of the last year while I was away.  I was bridesmaid along with 9 of my other friends (yes 9!) for my beautiful friend Julie who got married to the love of her life.  The highlight of that day was losing my absolute shit to the Dirty Dancing Megamix on the dancefloor.  One of my oldest friends had beautiful baby boy, who we have all instantly fell in love with and can’t stop fussing over.  The girls went travelling.  Throughout all of these activies undertaken by my friends, I just sat back, drank some wine and observed.  This year maybe it will be me actually partaking in an activity more interesting than having a punch up on the train?!  Who knows.

Anyway, MUSIC:  I might be late to the party with some of these, I might not, but I don’t care.  This is the music I am loving at the moment as I discovered some amazing songs over the Christmas period and re-discovered some old favourites.  

Check these links out honkeys:

P.S my sister got me tickets to see one of the loves of my life in April – Derren Brown!  What a legend eh?  I might try and convince Derren to make us both disappear to a carribean island. 

Happy New Year to you and yours xx