Morning everyone - apologies but I am about to rant.
Now, what I am about to admit is shameful, but I have a sneaking suspicion I am not the only 25 year old girl in the country that does this. My morning routine is to wake up and get ready for work, endure the commute to the West End and make my way into work. Once I am in work I log onto my computer, open and check my emails and then.... log on to the Daily Mail website and read all the little celebrity stories that appear on the right hand side of the screen.
The Daily Mail is a constant source of annoyance to me, so you might not understand why I do this. The reason is, although I never agree with their opinions and I find myself reading the stories and thinking "what? you idiots!", it is the best website to go to when you want to find out the news. It's just undeniably good when it comes to really irrelevant, pointless news stories.
My biggest hate when it comes to the Daily Mail is Liz Jones. Every time I read one of her articles I find them hilariously offensive and they normally leave me feeling quite irritated. I have just never known anyone to talk as much shit as she does! Today she has written an article all about a picture of Madonna kissing her boyfriend on a beach. I am going to write out some of the quotes from this article and my thoughts on them, as I just cannot fathom how she can write this stuff and give it to someone else, someone who thinks it's good and clever and funny and then they actually publish it! Here we go:
"At first glance, it looks like she might be inappropriately embracing one of her adopted sprogs" - First off, no it doesn't. She would not be classed as inappropriately embracing them even if it was one of her kids, as all you can see if her palm placed on his ribs, just underneath his armpit in a half cuddle. Secondly, there is no way in the world her boyfriend can be mistaken for one of her children, as he is at least 4 inches taller than her, and she's not particularly short. Thirdly, the only reason she has picked up on the similarity between her boyfriend and one of her children is because he is black. If she was spotted hugging a guy with long brown hair, she wouldn't be accused of hugging a Lourdes lookalike would she? So in the first sentence we have covered racism, ageism and 'being inappropriate with children'. Let's continue...
"She cannot be dating him surely! Madonna is 53. He is a mere embryo, a few cells cobbled together, barely formed at all" - I was 25 on Monday. Does this mean, before Monday, I was 'barely formed at all?' I might not have had a long life, but in the last 10 years I have experienced some awesome things, and probably some things that Jones herself hasn't even experienced. Would that be the case if I was 'just a bunch of cells'? Now we can add patronising and offensive to the list.
"He has sunglasses on top of his head for goodness sake! You cannot date a man who does this, or wears a baseball cap" - What the actual effing hell is she talking about? You can't date a man who wears sunglasses on his head? Why not? All I can fathom from this is that she's not referring to this as some unwritten rule of acceptable potential partners, but merely confiding in her readers that she cannot date a man that does this (aka the majority of the male population at some point), probably because they all find her repulsive and dim. 2 more for the list.
"When I first started dating my husband, he was 26 and I was... well, I can't remember, so tangled was the web of deceit I was weaving, hiding my passport and placing gagging orders on my friends" - Nothing like a nice honest, open relationship to promote on your column.
"I was well preserved. Like Madonna I practised Pilates. I enjoyed hip-hop, toe rings and cropped Prada t shirts, exposing my midriff" - One, toe rings have never been in fashion, ever. Two, cropped Prada t shirts might be ok now, but I can guarantee that the time period Jones referred to when she was wearing them made that choice of attire distinctly not ok. Three, I don't honestly believe that Jones has ever been described as "well-preserved" by someone with a straight face.
"We spent our 20s and 30s focused on our career and suddenly looked up, aged 40, and realised the only things in the world that loved us are our cats" - What, no friends or family then Jones? Wonder what you did to alienate all of that lot - one too many discussions at a dinner party I assume.
"You have to look at reasons why young men date older women. It is not because we are more experienced in bed, funnier, more confident or well read" - Again, while I can't deny that older women are more experienced in bed, purely because they've had more time to practice, I can't agree with Jones' statement that everyone woman in the whole world who is older than me is funnier, more confident or better read. I spend my weekends out having hilarious fun with my friends, in outfits someone of her age wouldn't be seen dead in. That's not because my outfits are slutty or revealing, it's because they are aimed at people our age and you need a decent, young body to be able to wear them, and confidence. Have you ever seen how much Jones goes on about having to be seen in underwear or a bikini? My friends and I didn't bat an eyelid about that when we went on holiday, yet she is more confident?
"They love the fact we have a house, a car and furniture" - I can't speak for myself personally, as I'm still living at home, but out of my group of 12 friends, 7 of them have moved out. This means they have their own house, car and believe it or not, their own furniture! Score!
"Women their own age make demands: they want babies and they want the men to pay for dinner" - I would bet my wages that if a 24 year old boy was to date either a 24 year old single child free woman, or a 34 year old single child free woman, the 34 year old would be on their case about babies first. What's so wrong with men paying for dinner? We don't want every meal paid for, as we can afford our own food - sometimes it's just nice to be treated?
"In the end their extreme youth gets on your nerves: the childish conversations with and the texting of their stupid friends" - God, having a social life when you are 24 is just one long pain in the ass for someone older isn't it? I don't know how my parents put up with me having friends, it must be horrible for them to see! Grow up Jones, you total idiot.
Finally, the worst of them all to wrap up her column nicely...
"Dump this foetus Madonna! Abort! Abort!" - I have no words for this last sentence. Horrifying.
Tellingly, reader comments were unavailable at the bottom of this article, so there was no room for readers opinions on what she said. I do not understand how Jones can write an article like that and get it published, yet the readers can't even comment.
My final word on this article? Jones, just go and flush your own head down the toilet. That way, next time you talk shit, you'll already be in the right place.