Monday, 30 January 2012

Three Hungry Boys vs One Angry Woman

It just got personal.

The Three Hungry Boys
Last week there was a program on Channel 4 called Three Hungry Boys, ironically starring 3 boys, Tim, Thom and Trevor.  Tim happens to be a relative (brother) of one of my twitter followers, @rupertclash.  Naturally I watched the show, just out of curiosity and support for @rupertclash who was clearly extremely proud of his brother.  The program shows the 3 boys travelling through Devon and Cornwall for 5 weeks without any money and basically having to ‘live off the land’ and try and fend for themselves without buying any food, using local businesses to help them.  Pretty unoffensive right?  Interesting tv yes?  Look at their faces, all lovely and happy and smiley!!  *lighening bolt* *air gets colder* *hostility fills the air*  Enter Liz Jones.

Liz has a problem.  We all know her problem is much bigger than anything to do with this program.  Her problem basically imvolves her being as annoyed as humanly possible with anyone that isn’t sharing her thoughts and opinions, and doing what her idea of a ‘hard working job’ is.  Before I even begin this, let me make a point clear: it doesn’t matter what ANYONE’s job is.  If you work hard and have a job which enables you to pay your own way and not to rely on anyone but yourself, you can do whatever you want.  Jones needs to remember that next time she picks up her dry cleaning, gets served in Boots or orders a takeaway.

She starts off by labelling the program “macho, self-congratulatory and mainly involving murdering poor unsuspecting creatures such as rabbits and crabs while the camera lovingly pans across naked male torsos”.  I assume that Jones is a vegetarian (if not then she has much bigger mental issues then I first suspected – I would find out, but I know googling her will just introduce me to new levels of rage I never thought possible).  At times of economic crisis, I think showing how 3 young men are WORKING HARD to survive for 5 weeks with NO MONEY, and LIVING OFF THE LAND is a good thing.  Would Jones rather sit there and see them drunk and disorderly on Party Paramedics?  No.  Although I suspect no matter what these boys were doing on this program, she would find a way to have a problem with it.

“There was even a scene where all the boys got soaking wet” – So now Jones has a problem with damp men?   She is just bitter that they don't want to stick it up her.  I didn’t realise that if it rained, all filming had to be halted so not to offend any viewers stuck in the dark ages.. Clearly a shot of a damp boy is enough to make the crude, cocky, egotistical Jones reach for the nearest turkey baster and don her balaclava, hoping there will be some sort of ejaculation she can catch in her spiderweb and insert up herself, but that has already been discussed previously on this blog and I do not have the energy or inclination to go into it again.  Oh, and she states that ‘poor Nigella’ is accused of turning food into porn when really the boys that get wet on a tv show are the problem.  The way she smothers herself over all her cooking equipment, practically deep throating a banana she will be ‘using’ on her program and basically plays up to the sexual link between food and lust doesn’t make her an unnecessary bully victim – it makes her a smart businesswoman knowing that food and sex can be linked and sex sells.  I’m sure she doesn’t think of herself as poor when she is in Selfridges spending the many thousands of pounds she has made from starring in and promoting this show?  I’m sure SHE doesn’t have a problem with it.  I can just imagine Nigella rubbing her melon balls in glee while watching the Three Hungry Boys. 

According to Jones there was a horrible segment in the show where the boys stewed some snails.  She also asked “why aren’t they at work?” – Well Jones, as I stated before, work is not conventional and the same for everyone.  This tv show is clearly their work.  You don’t ask why Carol Vorderman isn’t at work, even though she seems to professionally pour herself into skin tight dresses meant for 23 year olds and stand around on street corners getting photographed, even though she hasn’t been seen on a tv show since I was 15 – I bet you don’t have a problem with that do you?  Anyway, the reason Jones has a problem with this particular segment is because the boys weren’t aware the snails had to be starved for a few days before consuming, to ‘cleanse their entrails’.  Due to this they cooked them, a load of green slime came out, they TRIED THEM and then because they were hideous they threw them away.  First up, I eat meat but am not a fan of animal cruelty – but these are SNAILS.  I know they are all Gods creatures, blah blah blah, but snails?  Come on!  ‘They sacrificed their lives for nothing’ – I would hate to think what would happen if Jones accidentally stood on a snail that was on her garden path... although I know if I was a snail that was anywhere near Jones I would rather be stood on than have to spend more than 5 second in her presence.  She didn’t like the fact the snails got thrown away.  The boys are fending for themselves, they didn’t know about the entrail cleansing that needed to happen.  I for one would rather watch them do that then try some random dish cooked by a local, decide they didn’t like it and throw a load of good food in the bin.  I wonder if Jones has ever accidentally let a pint of milk go off by accident?  You could argue that the ‘poor cows’ were milked for no good reason then – this is how ridiculously involved this argument could get, if you had a brain as tedious as Jones’s. 

She then goes on to moan about The Fabulous Baker Brothers;  how their surname isn’t Baker, how they have gone to a local farm to make cider and the way they ‘lord it over the locals’.  Of all the conclusions I have come to about Jones, the amount of articles I have read about her/by her, I know that she is hated by the local people in her village (she moans about them enough).  If there was ever anyone guilty of lording it over the locals, I suspect it is Jones.  She goes on to claim the worst moment in the Baker Brothers show was when the boys ‘presented their wares to a group of local girls training to be hairdressers’, and how you know ‘the boys would never date a girl who weilds hairspray for a living’ – DFASJKFH;KASJDFSDAHF what the hell?  Yet another dig at people that don’t have her idea of a perfect job.  What’s wrong with being a hairdresser?  Does Jones’ think she is above all hairdressers, just because they don’t have degrees or the job is not seen as of a high standard?  I wonder if Jones’ thinks she is better than Daniel Galvin or Nicky Clarke, or if it’s just the bog standard run of the mill hairdressers found on every high street.  Believe it or not, she follows that sentence by saying “it was patronising beyond belief” – is she for REALS?

After this she picks on my beloved Heston, claiming he is using chemicals from cans to freeze chocolate and how it looks dangerous (now she is a health and safety advisor) and how Heston’s program gives a ‘skewed view of the locals (all idiots in costume with nothing better to do with their time than put on am dram)’ – what business is it of Jones’ what these locals do?  How Jones can fill an article based on her opinion’s of other peoples lives and what they are doing wrong is beyond me.  I know I am doing this with Jones herself, but I don’t have the self righteous, ‘i’m right and you are wrong’ ‘I am better than you’ attitude that she has.  MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS JONES, what does it matter to you if a bunch of local people want to star in a tv show?

She goes on to say that most people don’t spend their time foraging for food in the countryside, and basically these shows are disrespectful to people that are skint.  I don’t think it’s disrespectful at all, it’s just a tv show.  It’s interesting to people that want to watch it and to be fair it might even give people some ideas – if it doesn’t so what?  Watching this show doesn’t make people skinter, or more unable to obtain food.  It’s just a challenge.  Why doesn’t Jones get annoyed when the Top Gear team spend their time poncing around Vietnam, wasting petrol, polluting the atmosphere with their shockingly old cars, taking the p*ss out of the locals and their culture and screaming and shouting when they try local food, before proceeding to throw it away and head to the nearest English pub?  Why is that not a problem to her?

Jones excels herself by finishing the article with the 2 following paragraphs, the first being:  “not only is growing vegetables back breaking and expensive, when you factor in seedlings, manure and water it’s time consuming.” AND “Hugh and Jamie and Nigel (nice grammar there Jones) might think it’s fabulous to wander outside to pick a few handfuls of fragrant herbs, but they probably aren’t having to clean the house, do laundry and empty the dishwasher at the same time”.  Now, where the fuck do I begin with this.  For one, I will lay money on the fact that Jones doesn’t do these things either.  She will have a cleaner, probably a MAID knowing her and even maybe someone to wipe her ass for her, just so she doesn’t have to acknowledge the fact her sh*t stinks just like the rest of us.  Also, what is SO UNFORGIVEABLY BAD about trying to teach people how to grow their own fruit and vegetables?  Again, in this economic climate this is nothing but a good thing.  I know people don’t have time to tend to a meadow containing the variety of vegetables you can get in Tesco (or should I saw Waitrose Jones?) but even if they just learn how to grow one thing, that is a positive and will save them money.  Unlike Jones, my mum can only be described as busy.  She has a full time job, her evenings AND weekends are spent cooking dinner for the family, cleaning the house, getting the shopping, doing the laundry, WASHING THE DISHES (as we don’t have a dishwasher) and basically being a mum/wife as well as a PA.  Regardless of all this, she recently grew her own herbs.  She didn’t sit on the floor crying because she didn’t have time to do it.  She did it, and she did it well and it’s saved her money on something she likes but she doesn’t see as a necessity, because of how skint everyone is at the moment.  Does this mean that because my mum has time to do this, she doesn’t work hard in other aspects of her life?

If your answer to that is yes Jones, then that means you have a problem with my mum – and that officially means sh*t is about to get real.

Fighting their corners: Rachel Johnson, editor of The Lady, and Daily Mail columnist Liz Jones
Look at those ears


  1. Jones has been vegetarian since the age of twelve. Her frequent claims to be a vegan are refuted by her eating eggs and other dairy products, and her continued espousal of the use of leather in fashion.

  2. Love this - you are hilarious and the Three Hungry Boys are bloody brilliant!

  3. Love it, I think all those programmes are great but I don't know who Liz Jones is?

  4. Thanks for reading! She is a columnish for the Daily Mail, and she is vile!

  5. I never realised how much her head resembles a football until I saw the photo tagged on at the end. Nice article; Liz Jones just can't help herself, can she?

  6. I might be wrong, but I seem to remember from that episode they while they conceded that the snails were pretty rank, they did in fact eat them, with I think Tim clash himself saying something like "nothing goes to waste on this trip".

    Love the hungry boys. Hate the Jones.

    1. Well it was Thom who said it but I don't know where she got the impression that they threw them away. Trollop. (eating the snails is about 23 minutes in)

  7. Her face is just so punchable...

    Brilliant post! :) xx