Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Train Pain

Today I am going to discuss my pathetic level of tolerance for the general public.  This subject matter has been brought on by the frankly ridiculous train journey I had this morning.  I am sure if you follow me on Twitter you are aware that I am no stranger to fights/arguments on public transport – I literally CANNOT BEAR PEOPLE THAT ARE ON THE TUBE.  I’m sure there is a special set of people that get released onto the Underground 15 mins before rush hour every morning and afternoon, placed there simply to annoy the absolute F*CK out of me. 

My hatred of people stems from when I used to get the bus to college.  At school I used to walk there and back so didn’t have to experience the annoyingness of a train or a bus and therefore didn’t really come into contact with any idiots - if I was on a bus I was normally acting like a yob with my friends so didn’t take much notice anyway – ahhh, the sweet relief of ignorance *thinks back to a time where I didn’t want to punch myself in the face repeatedly knowing I had to use a bus or a train*. 

Things all changed when I went to college.  To get there I had to get 3 buses and this took me about an hour and a half each way - IT MADE ME WANT TO RIP MY SKULL OFF.  The day I passed my driving test and bought a car was the happiest day of my life.  It wasn’t so much the people on the buses as half way through the journey I would meet my friends and we’d all go together, but it was just the length of time it took.  Why stop at a bus stop if there is no one waiting to get on?  I don’t CARE if someone wants to get off, just slow up to about 5mph and MAKE THEM JUMP!!!  God just thinking about it now gives me rage.

I also used to hate my train journey to my old job, but I assumed it was because I had to get three trains – I've since discovered it’s not that, it’s just because I can’t handle other people being anywhere near me.  I had to go from the first stop on the Central Line just to the edge of London (Stratford, where the new Westfield is if you are interested) AND I HATED IT.  The Central line is one of the busiest London Underground lines and it drives me mental.  I had to change at Stratford and get on the Jubilee line 3 stops and then change at Canning Town and get on the DLR.  I guarantee at least once a week I would end up having a stand up argument with someone on the Jubilee line.  One of my old work friends used to get the train home with me and she would stand there cringing while I had it out with someone that has either trod on my foot, smacked me in the face with their bag or parked their buggy directly onto my ankles.  I have since changed jobs and although now I only have to get 1 train, I go right into the West End of London; the hub of hell, the epicentre of doucheness, the playground of all nightmare plebs.  This means I get the Central Line the whole way and although I get on at the start of the line and always get a seat, it doesn’t mean my troubles are over.  No way.  I want someone to comment on this post and answer me these questions:

  • Why is it when people get on the train and there are no seats, they stand in front of you and tread on your feet – why?  It means I HAVE to kick you, and then you don’t like that so why do it?
  • Why do people tread on your feet and then look at you like it’s your fault?  I am not in the way, I am sitting down and I was here probably before you were even awake so SAY SORRY
  • Why do people read their paper with it open as wide as possible, so every time they turn the page the paper scrapes your hand and they elbow you in the ribs?  FOLD THE PAPER IN HALF AND IT WILL TAKE UP HALF THE ROOM YOU CRIMINALLY INSANE A-HOLE!
  • Why do men have to sit with their legs open?  Either you have a prime time shot of their disappointingly small package or they are resting their knee against yours – I don’t want you to rest your knee against mine, I want you to shut your legs so I don’t have to quell the projective vomit I can feel forming every time I look in your direction.
  • Why do people have their music really loud?  Why not just turn it down in case I punch you because I do ACTUALLY HATE YOU.

These are just 5 of the things that annoy me every day of my life, but it’s not even just the train that annoys me – if any of you work in Central London you will know that trying to get to the station quickly when all the tourists are out in force is harder than trying to complete the last level of Super Mario on the Gameboy while you are blind folded and tranquilised.  I admit I am one of those people that thinks anyone walking slower than me is an idiot and anyone walking faster than me is a maniac, but when I leave work I want to just get HOME, I don’t want to get stuck behind some drip tourist who doesn’t know where they are going.  I understand they might be on holiday or sightseeing but I don’t care – my point is, if it’s rush hour and the whole road is rammed with commuters, don’t walk along in the middle of the road to stare at the sky – IT’S THE SAME SKY THAT’S IN YOUR COUNTRY TOO YOU RETARD! 

Another pet hate – people that chew or eat loudly.  Didn’t you actually get taught manners while you were little?  Who told you it was ok to eat like an ACTUAL horse?  Sometimes I have been sitting on the train and I have heard someone smacking their lips like a actually MONKEY over the sound of my music in my headphones.  I swear to God if someone ever did that while reading the paper and sitting with their legs open I would actually have a meltdown.

My journey this morning was one of those annoying ones.  Boy sits down next to me and hits me in the fact with his bag – doesn’t say sorry, opens his paper and elbows me constantly in the ribs and sits there with his legs wide open.  I try to ignore him and then some bloke gets on the train and stands on my foot – He doesn’t just tread on it, he stands on it.  I try to pull my foot out but he is SUCH A CRATE OF LARD he is too heavy, so I have to touch him.  He turns around to look at me and when I tell him to move he gives me massive sh*t eye and shuffles slightly to the left.  I could actually injure him.  Later on another guy gets on and he stands on my foot.  I move my foot and 5 mins later he does it again.  I look at him and he is shaking his finger and his head at me.  I remove my headphones and ask him what he is saying, and he says that I have trod on his foot twice now and I have to stop it.  I HAVE TROD ON HIS FOOT.  Me, the one sitting down, and him, the one with his massive flipper foot ON TOP OF MINE.  It’s my fault.  So naturally I apologised and offered him my seat*, as I felt sorry for him**.  See I can be nice and calm when I want to be...

*wigged out and told him he was actually mental and he needed to take his foot off of mine and not touch me again because he is a dirty pikey idiot
** wanted him to suffer pain and get away from me so i’d never have to look at his fat repulsive face again

*and breathe*

Train Fight


  1. Great rant..can relate to a lot of that especially the loud eating & chewing Grrrrr... where's the Peckham Terminator when you need him eh? http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?desktop_uri=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DLMACpa_oXjk&v=LMACpa_oXjk&gl=GB

  2. Its making me angry even reading this. I frequently have bouts of murderous rage but nothing compares to the blood curdling idiocy and Ebola laced fucks that use public transport. I genuinely hope the vast majority all go home to find their families are all dead and surrounded by arrogant broadsheet reading food slopping obnoxious social spastics fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkkkkkk

  3. I don't know how I have only just seen this comment but I read the whole thing with a face like this :O - hahahahaha!