So, it has happened again. I have come into work after a Christmas party last night; I overslept, I am tired and I have the worst hangover ever, then I find Liz Jones has spouted another load of mouth waste into the world wide web. If I wasn’t so bored at work I wouldn’t have read it but I did and I am sorry.
Two new articles this time, the first was a big old list of the best dressed women this year. Read the full thing HERE. Same format, as always:
“Our style guru’s gongs for the most iconic outfits of 2011” – This is only the headline and it annoyed me. Liz Jones, Style Guru? She’s skint, has a face like a load of matchsticks in a bin liner and all she does is harp on about herself. This is going to be about as interesting as my tube ride to work this morning...
“Pippa Middleton – Alexander McQueen (THAT Bridesmaid dress) – Pippa’s derriere, clad in McQueen, caused an online furore and to my mind slightly overshadowed the LESS VIOLENTLY TANNED KATE – Where do I even begin with this? So you think that Pippa’s ass overshadowed the FUTURE QUEEN OF ENGLAND’S WEDDING DAY? Even if Pippa had got out of that cab dressed like Elmo from Sesame Street, gurning her face off, it wouldn’t have overshadowed Kate. I don’t think i’d call this ‘iconic’, I think I would call it all the men in the world having a perv over Pippa online and the media picking up on it. Yeah blah blah blah everyone went mental about her ass but really? Also I wouldn’t call Pippa ‘violently tanned’ (boring, plain, mouse-like maybe) but then again I am from Essex so anything less than wotsit coloured is pale...
“Lady Gaga – Hussein Chalayan – Not a dress exactly, but the Hussein Chalayan egg she wore to the Grammy’s in February ” – Yeah, you know when Gaga rolled up in that Egg at the Grammy’s, being all mental and stuff? Well when she got out that egg she was wearing some PVC raincoat with a matching belly top and thigh slit maxi skirt. I don’t think this is iconic, I think this is absolutely f*cking ridiculous, along with Liz Jones’ entire being.
“Jennifer Lopez – “this is not so much a dress, more of a body stocking covering Jen’s bits and bobs. I imagine she was trying to let Marc Anthony know what he was missing. Some magazines asked if this was ‘age appropriate’ – She is JENNIFER LOPEZ, who cares how old she is?” – Right. Liz Jones you tool, it is NOT a dress, it IS a body stocking and it is horrific. It’s true that it doesn’t matter how old she is, because any girl of any age wearing this spangled condom would look like they belonged in a home. If I was EVER wearing a disco Earthworm Jim outfit and I ran into my Ex I would throw myself in front of the nearest bus. Also, you seem to think that because she is J-LO she can wear whatever she wants, but she can’t. If Jones EVER decides she can wear whatever she wants, no matter how scantily clad, I would like to be taken to Primark and shot in the face please.
Luckily enough the article ended there, I can only assume it’s because she had some sort of episode before she could continue writing it. So now we’ll move onto the next article, entitled “Women at their peak at 52? On their knees more like!” – wheeey! Oh I forgot, you don’t know how to be funny. What a shame. Read the whole thing HERE but i’ll warn you now, I couldn’t be bothered to read to the end.
“This was according to a survey of 3,000 women conducted by, of all companies, Kellogs" - Erm, do you have an issue with cereal? What's the deal with that? Shut up.
“The cereal maker roped in a psychologist to add, ahem, weight to their findings” - Confirmed, she doesn't know how to be funny.
(Kellog’s wrote: A woman in her 50’s knows who she is, what her strengths and values are as well as her weaknesses and failings) Jones: “just re read that initial statement: ‘weaknesses’, ‘failings’, ‘accepting’, ‘more time for yourself’ – which translates as ‘loneliness’ – erm, hold up... Since when does weaknesses, failings, accepting and more time for yourself equal loneliness? I have a weakness for Prosecco, but I can pretty much guarantee I am not lonely when I am drinking it. One of my failings is that I worry too much – try and merge that with being lonely? Sometimes I think Jones just writes lots of different words on teeeeeny tiny bits of paper throughout the day, and then just before she goes to bed she throws them all up in the air and whichever order they land in, that’s her article.
“All that psycho-babble reads roughly thus: there is nothing more unappealing and pointless than a woman over 50 on a diet. So bugger off and crochet armchair covers to be worn thin as you sit there, waiting for a telephone call from a member of the ungrateful brood who couldn’t wait to fly your nest” – Wow, this is awkward. So, erm, can anyone say BITTER? Christ she might as well just be a massive lemon sitting there, withering away like the dried up old crust wagon she is. Jones, we all know you didn’t successfully steal someone’s sperm (although you tried) and we all know that your husband despised you as much as everyone else so he ‘flew the nest too’ – GET OVER IT!
“I always become irate when I see these so-called role models held up as beacons. They are not happy and beautiful because they are 52, they are these things because they have money” – I have never known someone to be so bloody materialistic. Granted, they might not be happy because they are 52, BUT i’d bet they are happy because they have a family and people that love them and they AREN’T ACTUAL HOBBITS.
“Despite the facelift I was lucky enough to afford earlier this year (snort) I often feel like that beautiful siren in an early Star Trek episode, the one Kirk fell in love with only to find she turned in an instant into an old crone” – for once I agree with the end of this statement. The only unfortunate thing for Jones is that with a personality disorder as severe as hers, there is no way she was ever beautiful.
“The problem was that men, sniffing our liberation, thought they could leave us and be with younger versions, and we would be ok” – Right, first up, men can leave you. If you are as bat sh*t crazy as you make out, then they WILL leave you. Secondly, if a man DOES leave you, you will be ok? You don’t just walk down the street and melt, or fade into existence without a man? You really need to get some friends Jones.
“The biggest nail in our coffin has been the fact our parents were saved by advances in medicine and have therefore also become dependent for decades longer than expected” – Well, I think Jones’ parents are complete arseholes for staying alive, I mean why couldn’t they just DIE so she didn’t have to waste time and money going to visit them and see them and buy things for them at Christmas. Bloody pricks.
“You can take the pill, but you can’t abort a parent” – That is genuinely in this article. She wrote that. I promise she really wrote that, it wasn’t me.
At this point, for the first time ever, I have stopped reading. I cannot be bothered with Jones and the total tripe that comes out of her mouth. Jones doesn’t deserve fame, notoriety and popularity for writing this crap. She doesn’t deserve a partner, or parents or friends, because all she does is write articles about how much of a hindrance they are to her life. She can’t even write, as this article is littered with grammatical errors. The whole thing just makes my want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon – LOOK AT HER: