Today is one of those days where Twitter makes a total arse of itself, everyone gets on their political high horses and ends up screaming and shouting at each other whilst cry wanking into a sock because they have fallen out with their best ‘online’ friend. Yes, it’s Polling Day.
Before I even begin to justify my actions today, I want you all to know a few things –
1. I AM AWARE WOMEN DIED SO I COULD VOTE. I get this.
2. I also understand that people think it’s important and we should exercise our right to freedom of speech and actually having a say in how this country is run – I believe that too.
3. I really want a bacon sandwich because I am hanging like a BAT.
I am not going to vote today. The reason I am not going to vote today is because I have no idea who to vote for. It’s local elections so this is basically picking what MP I want within my area but the thing that concerns me the most is that I go onto Epping Forest District Councils website, and my area doesn’t actually appear to exist. I click on the little Election banner and look through all the lists of the Candidate names – and not one of them is representing North Weald? The nearest I can get to my area is somewhere called Epping Hemnall or Epping Lindsey – I live approx 2 inches from Epping, yet have never heard of either of these places. I find this all very strange, but also take this to assume there is no one in charge of North Weald so I will now appoint myself into this role. I am going to make 4 immediate changes:
- Changing the name from North Weald to Numptyville™
- The Co-Op to start selling Strawberry Cider as it gets on my nerves having to drive all the way to Tesco to get it
- Weightwatchers meetings to be moved from the fucking TINY church hall and into the massive airfield, as the floor in that hall takes a pounding every Tuesday and God’s not happy.
- For chavs to stop breaking into the petrol station opposite my house just to steal crisps, as the look of sheer terror I get from the cashier every time I open the door is starting to get irritating.
As you can probably tell I would be a great MP for Numptyville. The new name reflects the feeling of the area and the locals that live in it. I want to provide for the people and not make them work harder than they already have to, driving all over the place just to get a drink. I want them to experience the great outdoors, whilst also being fit and healthy and helping them to not anger God. I want to protect the buildings and the people in this village and make them feel safe. I am all heart.
Anyway so I don’t know who to vote for and even if my area did really exist then I assume all the candidates look like they belong in a library and are going to petition something amazing that will only benefit people over the age of 85 ANYWAY (this being 94% of the population of Numptyville by the way). I just feel, personally, that if I don’t know who to vote for then surely my vote is void? Is there really any point in me turning up to the polling station and being shit eyed just in case I try and steal some of the biros, all so I can check a box next to a random name I have never even heard of? I have never known who is in charge of my area and to be fair I have this amazing trait where I find an issue with pretty much everything anyway, so whoever gets voted in still won't be good enough in my book. I would rather leave it to the people that do know and do understand what it all means and let them decide for me. I trust them, the residents of Numptyville and I are brothers – we’re like THIS *crosses fingers*
Anyway I previously had an epic argument on Facebook with someone (BillyLunnfromTheSubwaysnotmentioninganynamescough) regarding the last General Election and it was brilliant. That argument was probably my most favourite thing about any election there has ever been. My friend did a Facebook status saying he wasn’t going to vote and ALL. HELL. BROKE. LOOSE. I basically said my friend should take an interest in the running of the country and vote, but if he doesn’t want to it’s his prerogative. Billy started crying from the off, saying that basically my friend couldn’t have a say in anything ever again because he wasn’t going to vote and something totally retarded like his first born son would be born with whiskers if he didn’t go and vote, just the usual shit. I tried to have an intelligent, informative heated discussion with him but he got his balls in a knot so much that I just ended up asking if he ever managed to get that Rock and Roll Queen to agree to be seen dead with him – About 38 other people got involved and in the end he left Facebook for a bit because he just got absolutely torn to shreds. It was one of the most best things I have ever had the pleasure of being involved with.
Anyway, I do take the General Election seriously. If I don’t know what one party is offering or who the candidate is I actually look and bother to find out, as I do believe that is like, totes important. I don’t know why I feel like the local elections aren’t as important, they just... aren’t? If you all want to vote today and know who to vote for then that is awesome and you are the people I am trusting to look after me and not let this country go to pot *high five*. I just feel like my 1 vote could be the difference between a really good person and a really bad person getting in and it will all be because I didn’t have a fucking clue what I was doing? That is how I am justifying this so for the people that want to give me a load of stick on Twitter and Facebook, don’t bother. My bacon sandwich has just arrived so i’m off now.