I AM BORED SO I AM WRITING ALL THE THINGS I HATE ABOUT THE TUBE.
PEOPLE THAT GO ON HOLIDAY TO LONDON
1. WHY do you stroll around in front of me looking up at the sky – it’s the same sky that is in your country, it looks the same and it’s nothing remarkable. Unless an anvil is going to fall out of the sky and land on you, stop looking at it. If you continue to look at it, it won’t be an anvil landing on you but MY FIST.
2. WHY do you hold a map really really close to your face so you can’t see anyone coming, and then wander around in front of them like a stunned rabbit? It makes me want to kick you in the head.
3. If you are about to walk out of a shop and you look at me, do not continue to walk directly into my face because then we will hit each other and will probably give me a stress hernia.
4. If you aren’t sure where you are going, don’t walk along and then stop dead in the middle of Oxford Street at 5pm because if that happens and I bang into you, I might use whatever I have in my hand and not stop hitting you with it until you are bleeding out of your ear.
PEOPLE THAT GO ON HOLIDAY TO LONDON AND GET ON THE TUBE
1. If you are on a school trip, WHY do you get on the Tube during rush hour? When I am tired, annoyed and in a rush I don’t need ten thousand French children all looking at me and standing on my feet. P.S Just because you are on a train in a different country you don’t have to spend the entire journey punching each other and screaming. STOP SCREAMING.
2. IF you decide to carry all your worldly possessions in a backpack, TAKE IT OFF WHEN YOU ARE ON THE TRAIN because if it hits me in the face one more time I will end you.
3. DO NOT barge me out of the way to get on the train first. You might not understand the tube system, but one thing is for sure – it won’t leave without you... unless you decide to barge me and then I might push you off just before the doors close.
4. Do not stand next to a busker and dance while you look up the escalator with a hopeful face, hoping everyone is laughing at you. Out of the 100 people on the escalator 2 might be laughing but the rest want you to fatally trap your head in a lift door.
PEOPLE THAT GET ON THE TUBE
1. If you are a man and you are sitting down, SHUT YOUR F*CKING LEGS. I don’t want to look at the frankly disappointing ridiculous excuse for a bulge you have and if you rub your knee on mine one more time I will literally humiliate you to the point of no return.
2. If you are reading the paper, keep the paper to yourself. If you keep waving it around like Harvey Price with a packet of smarties I will grab that paper out of your hand and stuff it directly into your arsehole.
3. If the train carriage has approximately 10,000 people on it and there is no room to blink, DO NOT TRY TO READ THE PAPER. Just accept you don’t have enough space, and if you can’t then you will have to feel the wrath of the Morsh.
4. If you are listening to music, listen to it at a normal volume. 9 times out of 10 the choice of song is frankly shocking and I don’t want to hear it too. If I can hear your music over my own when I have headphones in then you are bang in trouble.
5. If you are going through the barriers, go through them. Don’t tit about, dithering in front of them all because you can’t decide which one to go through – THEY ARE ALL THE SAME.
6. If you are standing in front of me while I am sitting down and you tread on my feet, don’t then look at me like I have pissed on your kids at Christmas. It’s not my fault that your balance, politeness and social skills are lacking, but it will be YOUR fault if I boot you in the kneecaps so you can’t moan about that either.
Please feel free to add your own points. These are the things that nearly give me heart failure on a daily basis.