Friday, 30 March 2012

Liz Jones Rant 5: If Liz Jones fell off the face of this planet, I would throw a party and invite everyone I had ever met in my entire life and buy them all a creme egg.

I’m sorry, I have been a bit AWOL recently.  In all honesty I have had a lot of stuff going on and not really a lot of it is blog worthy.  I decided to catch up on what old Lizzy Jones has been saying and thought i’d just read it and that would be the end of it.  Maybe a few tuts and rolled eyeballs but that’s it.  The thing is, I know I talk about Liz Jones on here a lot.  I know that it could potentially be getting old and everyone is getting bored of it.  The difference is I don’t really care.  This blog is MY blog and it’s a place where I write about what I want, when I want to write it and you either read it or you don’t.  Therefore, I cannot stop myself from writing this next Liz Jones Rant.  Part 7 (?)

It’s a short article, and is called:  “In which I reveal why i’m broke” – find it here

Same format as before , hold onto your knickers.

“I was away at the fashion shows, working, when I got this text from Nic. ‘Dream has laminitis.’”  - Right, this is the first line of the article.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t know every aspect of Liz Jones’ life, so when I first read this I did think to myself “what the fuck is she going on about” – then I read it a second time, and a third time and I still didn’t know.  Once I continued reading the article I worked out that Dream must be one of her horses and Lamantis must be a horse illness.  I think it’s totally self indulgent of Jones to think that we’d instantly know either of these facts.  No one cares.

Oh no. Oh dear God no. She recovered from her last attack, two winters ago, after spending almost a year on a deep bed. Once again, we will have to weigh and soak her hay, and give her drugs, and then walk her in hand. It’s a nightmare. The cost (she’s uninsurable, as she came to me with a broken pelvis), the worry, the work. I don’t think I can stand it.” – Oh you have to feel for her don’t you?  I mean how incredibly HORRIBLE for Jones that one of her horses is sick?  Erm, back up a minute Jones, if you are such a horse lover then why don’t you stop worrying about yourself and worry about how your poor ill horse is feeling?  Nah?  Ok.  GO AWAY.
“While you might think from the first sentence of this column that my life is impossibly glamorous, let me describe what it is really like.” – Is she shitting us?  I don’t know about you but I didn’t read that really confusing stupid first comment and think “oh my god Liz Jones is practically Victoria Beckham” – I didn’t even consider the ‘working away at the fashion shows’ bit as I was so confused by the following words that the majority of the sentence went out of the window.  Plus we all know what Jones does while she is working away that these fashion shows isn’t glamorous, she fucking moans about it enough.

“I now have two mortgages, given the fact I have just bought my sister a cottage. You might have wondered in the past why I never have any money, and I have to tell you, dear reader, because nobody else fights my corner, that buying my sister a cottage in Dulverton overlooking the river is the reason. The only reason I’m being forced to sell my house.” – What does she want people to fight her corner about?  I’m sure her sister didn’t make Jones buy her a cottage, so why did she?  If she wants people to fight her corner over her whole selfish, indignant attitude INCLUDING the dispicable sperm stealing thing she’d better give up now because NO ONE WILL.

“I had one day – Friday 16 December – when I thought everything was going to be OK. I went out with friends for a drink in Soho, the first time I’ve done that without worrying about the bill. But then everything fell apart, and I was plunged into the deep mire that is my life. I have always been too generous, which is the reason people flocked to me in the past. I’ve learnt my lesson, and will never allow that again.”  - Jones, you have said yourself numerous times in the past that you’ve had about 3 boyfriends and about 4 good friends in your entire life, so now saying that “people flock to you” is the biggest misrepresentation I have ever heard.  You said you are generous but after everything I have read that you have written it wouldn’t matter if you paid me £4,000 a day, I would not come within 10 inches of you and your disgusting attitude.  Hag.

What I need is a light at the end of the tunnel, even a pinpoint one. What I kept thinking, as I tossed and turned after the email about Dream, was that I have always helped other people, but no one helps me (please don’t send me money; I always return it, but it results in me being told off). No one has once picked up the phone to say, ‘Well done for working so hard. Well done for buying your sister a cottage out of your heavily taxed earnings.’ All I get is silence. But then I received this email from a woman I’ve never met. She is dying of breast cancer, ‘which is now chewing like a mouse through the nerves controlling my eyeballs’. She took the time to write to say, ‘It’s obvious to me you work all the time to keep your rescued animals going. I want to tell you how your writing, with its richness and its honesty, has given me tremendous pleasure during my illness and, despite your many setbacks, especially being deaf, you leave me thoroughly cheered with your kindness, humanity and determination to debunk fashion myths.’” – This, for me, was the icing on the cake for this article.  You see this woman who has emailed her has CANCER.  You know, the disease that kills you.  This woman suffering with cancer took time out of her day to read Jones’ work, and then bother to write to her about it.  Regardless of this, Jones still manages to turn this situation round so it’s about how great she is.  She never once mentions how courageous this woman is, or even mentions more about this woman’s situation (which would be a welcome read), nor how thankful she is that this woman bothered at all – I bet she never even emailed her back.  No, instead of saying “I worry about all this shit and then this woman with cancer emailed me and put everything into perspective” she actually says “I am neglected and no one appreciates me and this woman with cancer emailed me and basically said I am kind and my determination and humanity is great, even though I have the major set back of being deaf so there you go, I am amazing” – Does she not realise how utterly mental it is that she wanted this on the DM website, that she wants people to know this is how she thinks?  The whole “especially you being deaf” thing is the worst, what has that got to do with it?  Oh I see, this is an illness competition!  Well Jones wins hands down for mental illness.  This whole paragraph totally disgusts me.

“In times of trouble, you find out who your friends are. Anyone deemed successful soon learns this. You’d be surprised how common my situation is. But who would want my so-called success, really? It leaves you alone, and broke, unable to sleep soundly in bed at night. Even if it’s a Vi-Spring.”  - *grits teeth* ... *explodes*

Just look at her fucking head!

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