and I thought the Daily Mail was bad...

The Royal Baby is here and isn’t it bloody fucking lovely?  Doesn’t it make London feel just like it did at the Royal Wedding, or when the Olympics was on?  Isn’t everyone filled with sunshine and rainbows and in a constant state of perpetual happiness?

No?  Ok, not quite, but it is cute.  It’s cute from the Royal Prince’s little wave as he was bought out of the hospital, right down to the dress Kate wore to showcase the tot that matched Diana’s when she’d de-sprogged.  It’s cute that most people are a bit bothered.  It’s cute that William totally shat himself when he had to put the car seat into the car for the first time.  It’s all cute, and most of London are embracing this cuteness.

It’s a shame then, that Ok! Magazine have decided to run a story THE DAY AFTER KATE GAVE BIRTH, about her fitness regime to get her back into shape.  What sort of fucking story is that?  Before the baby was born I was getting irritated with the news surrounding it.  “Kate breaks down over pressure of being a mum”, “Kate can’t cope” “Kate is scared 7up will come out of her nipples instead of milk when she attempts to breastfeed” – Do any of these magazines expect us to think for 1 second that any of the content of these articles are true?  I fully believe that we have more chance of the Royal Prince sprouting wings and flying to Africa to punch Nelson Mandela right in the death bed then we have of Kate disclosing any sort of personal information, thoughts or feelings to any part of the media.

So yeah, I thought the press BEFORE the birth were bad, but I had no idea.  You would have thought the worst thing about this situation would be that there were so many press outside the hospital waiting to see the baby, that Wills and Kate got only 4 HOURS ALONE with their child before he became public property.  4 HOURS.  Can you imagine giving birth, having a day of tests and hair appointments and this and that and then when any NORMAL couple would go home and bond with the kid, instead he’s yanked out of your arms and dangled in front of the worlds media so they can have an opinion of every aspect of his life, for the REST of his life?  I mean, some of the press are moaning that we haven’t got a name yet – are they freaking serious?  Give them a chance!  They probably haven’t had time to think of a name because they have been surrounded by press officers, hairdressers, stylists and PR people trying to get them ready for the Prince’s debut into the media circus (which, coincidentally, the press were moaning about because they were told they’d come out at 6pm, and at 7.10 they were still waiting – get a grip).

That isn’t the worst thing about this situation though.  The worst thing is that people are even speculating about how Kate is going to get back in shape after the birth, when she hadn’t even left the hospital?  I liked that she came out with her deflated baby bump on show – it shows what a real woman looks like after she has given birth.  She could have easily worn some fucking £10,000 designer tent and no one would have seen it, but she clearly didn’t give a fuck and I like that.  That’s why I like Wills and Kate, because they do their bit but still want the press to back the fuck off – all you have to do is utter the name Diana to realise why Wills feels this way.  I know they are both in the public eye, but Kate’s job isn’t to be skinny, it’s to be ROYAL.  She’ll ditch that baby weight in her own time, but I can guarantee she probably has a million things that are more important to her at the moment – like trying to stop Camilla from eating the baby?

So to narrow it down, the press are vultures, Ok! can FuckOff! and Kate is a total MILF.  The baby is cute, it’s made me feel all patriotic and now I am off to rub my ovaries while simultaneously waving a Union Jack and eating for 2 – no I am not pregnant but I might as well practice for when I am right?

P.S That baby is totes going to be called George.  Or Alex.  If it’s Nicholas I will fully spaz.