Finally I am bored of forcing my opinions on you all, so I want you to read this post and tell me what YOU think in the comments. Before I even begin I want you to know neither I nor the other people I have referenced in this blog post are depressed, suicidal or on the brink of hurting anyone. We don’t need help, we don’t need to talk to someone and there is nothing wrong with us... We also mean no disrespect to anyone that has gone through or experienced any of the things we are referencing in this post – these are literally just our weird little thoughts...
So I was talking to a few friends the other day and we ended up getting onto the subject of weird things we think. Bear in mind I’m actually laughing as I am typing this because you are all going to think we are mental...
To make this easier to explain, I am going to start straight off the bat with an explanation merged with examples. One day I got into work and it had been very windy and a window panel had blown off the side of my building. I work in a tall building in Central London, so they had to shut the road and get fire-fighters out to replace it. All seemed like a bit palava at the time, but no one was injured and it was all sorted quickly, no bother. NOW every time I leave the station, walk down the road to work and spot my building, I get this horrible feeling that a window is going to fall out and land on me and cut my head off. That might seem like a normal, rational fear to you given the panel incident, but I actually imagine it happening and it makes me a bit panicky. I can imagine walking past the bakery and a big fucking panel smashes me to pulp on the floor like something out of Final Destination. Is that just a really weird, morbid thing to think of? I end up walking down the road looking up at all the buildings to make sure a big pane of glass isn’t hurtling towards me – just think about if that did happen, you wouldn’t even know it until it was too late? Scary.
I also get it when standing on train platforms, but this is more weird thoughts of the self harming variety. I have no desire to die by my own hands or anyone else’s so before you call the Samaritans just listen up. When I am standing on train platforms & the train is coming towards me I think “I could just jump in front of that train and be dead in 5 seconds" and it would literally be THAT EASY to kill yourself. Then I think it's really weird that you are that in control of your own life, and 9 times out of 10 the only thing that is stopping you from dying is... you?
I also think this when I am driving... “if I wanted to, I could just drive into that wall over there and kill myself”. I don’t know if I am still shocked at the level of responsibility each person has over their own life, but it is something I think about quite a bit. It still shocks me that in the morning, everyone I know trusts me to just wake up, get ready and go to work. The people I work with trust that I am going to do that. If my parents don’t hear from me throughout the day it doesn’t matter, because they just trust that I am at work – that to me is weird. I could literally leave the house and do ANYTHING, I could get a flight to Nepal, I could steal a donkey or go and get all my hair shaved off and my eyebrows dyed pink – but no one thinks I am going to do that, and I don’t. I do go to work, even though I have literally a thousand options of things I could do every day. That freaks me out too.
Before you try and commit me to a mental asylum I am not alone in this. The conversation that started this whole thought process threw up some interesting things that other people think about. One friend said that whenever they meet someone new and they are talking to them face to face, they kind of stop paying attention to the conversation and actually imagine punching them in the face – actually doing it, what they would look like as he was doing it, what it would be like, what the reaction would be etc. He said he has done it with virtually everyone he has ever met – he also admitted he’d done it with me on more than 1 occasion, but I think he’s not alone in that... This guy also admitted that his brother bought a cut throat razor, and upon holding it instantly felt like he wanted to slice his neck with it and told him he wanted it out of the house. He didn’t want to kill himself, he just couldn’t stop himself from imagining doing it and what it would be like. It’s not the actual act of wanting to hurt yourself as none of us want to, but it’s just the thoughts of what it would be like plus the responsibility that there’s literally no one there to stop us from doing it if we wanted to. It blows my mind really.
So basically I want to know what weird things you think about every day? Don’t worry about seeming mental, I think this blog post has proved that I am hardly the sanest person on the planet. I am just curious to know if this sort of thought process is pretty normal, or if I should maybe go and talk to someone about my issues... although I wonder what would happen if I just walked into the therapists office and slammed his head into the desk? Thoughts?