Following on from my blog post of last week regarding having
strange random impulses to drive into oncoming traffic and throw myself in
front of trains, I have another topic of discussion that has been interesting
me of late... readers, let’s get weird.
Today’s topic is strange fears. Everyone is scared of standard things; the
dark, spiders, serial killers, having to watch Mrs Brown’s Boys... I want to
know if any of you have any weird, totally unfounded fears. I have 2 relatively normal and 1 random, as
follows:
First up is Ornithophiba, the fear of the dirty rat winged
bastards we all know as Pigeons. I know
that most people are a bit wary of them, but if I am walking down the street
and there is one standing in front of me I have an internal dilemma that only
ceases when I am as far away from the pigeon as humanly possible or the pigeon
has taken pity on me and flown away.
Walking to work in the city I see a lot of pigeons and most of the time
I manage to remain calm and just cross the street, like it’s some avian Mexican gang lord that is going to steal my purse
if I go anywhere near it. I don’t really
know what it is I am wary of, perhaps it’s the fact that pigeons in Central
London are FERRAL and literally do not give a shit. Most pigeons or birds would fly away if you go
near them, but the ones round here actually offer you out if you continue
walking towards them. The amount of
times I have seen men striding purposely up to one, refusing to be bullied by the flying rats only to be attacked by a low flying pigeon at the
last minute, resulting in the bloke looking like he’s shat himself whilst break
dancing in the middle of the street.
They are dirty, intimidating and they must be eradicated. DEATH TO ALL PIGEONS.
My other ‘irrational but unfounded’ fear is Coulrophobia, or
the fear of clowns. I think I can remember
how this started and it was in Macro of all places – you know that giant
warehouse shop that sold everything wholesale?
I remember they did bulk boxes of sherbet fountains which was literally
the greatest thing ever. Anyway, I was young
enough for all of the clothes stands to be taller than me, so when I ran off on
my own I couldn’t see over the top of them to find my parents. This was initially a fun game as my parents
couldn’t find me and it was like I was in a maze. This all instantly stopped being fun when for
SOME FUCKING REASON, Macro decided to employ a clown ON STILTS to walk around
the shop and scare the living shite out of all the kids. I remember seeing the clown, instantly browning my pants and trying to run
away but everywhere I went I could still see the bloody thing because it was
so tall. I ended up hiding behind a bulk
box of crisps on a shelf in the food section, thus giving my parents a heart attack
because they couldn’t find me for about 20 minutes. Ergo, my fear of clowns was born.
I decided to write about this subject because yesterday I
encountered a clown at high speed. I was
innocently driving down the M25, sunglasses on, S Club 7 blaring when I glanced
to my left and my blood ran cold. Some
masochistic pervert was DRESSED AS A CLOWN and driving along in the car next
to me.
I shouted fuck, dropped my cigarette on my lap and didn’t know whether
to shit or go blind. I did the only thing
I could do and floored the gas pedal, panting and whimpering while his red wig
thankfully disappeared further and further into the distance, but not before I
had given birth to approximately 1 million cows. He probably doesn’t know the horror he caused
and was more than likely some kind old man who earns a living entertaining
brave kids, but even so. He could have
easily been a psycho serial killing NUTJOB couldn’t he? Yes, yes he could.
 |
| Look at this unhinged bastard |
My last fear and probably the one that people understand the
least is Globophobia, which translates to fear of balloons. First things first, I don’t mind helium
balloons because if some bellend decides to pop one in your face, it just
deflates like Meg Ryan after the Oscar nominations are announced. It’s the normal balloons, the ones that are
full of peoples mouth breath and float around the place, antagonising you by
throwing themselves into sharp bits of furniture and ‘accidentally’ landing on
cutlery, and if popped, make you jump so much you attempt to punch your
grandmother. I think it’s the bang that
I am fearful of, but worst than this is the anticipation of waiting for it to
bang. When you walk into a restaurant and
you see a table full of idiots celebrating a birthday with extra long balloons
tied to the back of their chairs, bouncing around precariously close to a hot
light on the ceiling, I struggle to relax.
Appetite is lost, conversation is strained, and I spend 95% of the night
looking around to stare at the balloon, just willing it to hurry up and pop so
I can go back to my evening. Balloons
are forever banned on birthdays etc in my house and if anyone has one I cannot
relax until they put it down. I remember
going with my sister to ‘baby sensory’ once when my niece was small. The kids are all there, doing stupid shit like eating sponges and
putting pegs up their nose when all of a sudden the lessons grand finale was announced and a shit load of balloons fall down from
a folded up bed sheet and all the kids proceed to bite, lick, scratch, climb
and sit on them. I panicked like Lionel
Blair had walked into the room in his gimp mask and had to run out and spend the
rest of the lesson waiting in the car, imagining the next 10 minutes to sound
like I was in narm while the kids all take it in turns to burst the stupid
balloons in their faces and not even bat an eyelid.
Anyway, I can’t write anymore because talking about all
these fears is putting my nerves on edge.
I am going to have an nice hot chocolate and a lie down and in the mean
time I want you to tell me what your fears are please? After enquiring on twitter i’ve had the
following responses and because I am nice, I am going to tell you the
scientific phobia name so you can sound intelligent like me when you are
talking about the stupid shit you are afraid of:
Cotton wool (Bambakomallophobia)
Dying alone (thantophobia or thanatophobia is a fear of
dying in general – specifically for Michelle you morbid freak!)
Tissue (closest is papyrophobia – fear of paper)
Escalators (Escalaphobia)
Scorpions
(arachnophobia)
Waxworks (automatonophobia)
Cucumber (closest is fear of vegetables, lachanophobia)
Stickers (Pittakionophobia)
To be honest I think I have a slight fear of escalators
(getting worse as I am getting older weirdly), waxworks and standard things
like scorpions, spiders etc. I am a particular
type of pussy though and am basically scared of most things in life – I’m
surprised I even leave the house sometimes.
Anyway, if you would like to share please comment below, spread the
world and let’s all huddle together in a warm cocoon of safety, while we shit
eye the things that make us scared. I’m
here for you all.
