Guest Blog: Kev James does Big Brother - BE WARNED, CONTENT UNSUITABLE FOR MOST PEOPLE

Big Brother has started again, and already people are massively opinionated on this year’s set of Housemates.  I will be watching this series, I watched the opening night as I was interested to see who had been picked and was pleased to see they haven’t gone too OTT on the weird - I prefer it when it’s quite a few normal people.  I auditioned for Big Brother earlier in the year, I sent in an audition tape and got asked to go to the auditions at Wembley as I had been fast tracked through the first round but didn’t go.  I am not going to lie, it was a mixture of not being able to have the time off work as I left it too late to book it and being a bit scared.  I am RUBBISH when it comes to being ‘quirky’ and outgoing on demand.  I know my friends probably think I am mental anyway, but when it comes to being myself in front of a room full of strangers, I can’t do it.  I prefer to just sit around listening until I feel comfortable to act like my real self, which is clearly not the sort of thing the producers were looking for.  I would have needed to hide behind something, anything – another person, a prop, even role playing would have been fine.  Just having a room of people scrutinising me to see if my REAL SELF was suitable for them filled me with dread and it would have been the most embarrassing, horrific experience for me.  So I just decided not to do it.   It hasn’t stopped me from watching it with my friends and wondering how weird it would have been if I was in the house with those housemates though... I like to think I probably would have sworn less than that actual disgrace Ashleigh as she’s the token Essex girl in there, therefore probably took the spot I would have had if I had actually got anywhere in the audition process.

Anyway, I took great delight in tweeting my way through BB on Tuesday night when it started, and my friend Kev (who is one of the funniest people I have ever met) did the same thing.  He has kindly written a guest blog on his thoughts on the first episode of Big Brother, and I have attached it below for your amusement.  If you read this and decide you want to read more from Kev, follow him on Twitter at @LLKevJisBack – Remember, these are Kev’s views, NOT my own and if you don’t like it take it up with him.  I’m pretty sure he won’t give  a shit though.  Also, if you are eating or drinking while you are reading this, prepare for it to come out of your nose...

Big Brother 2012

So here we go again, Big Brother is back like an unwanted flare-up of genital herpes, invading our homes like an ageing gang of tinkers looking for things to steal.  It was by pure misfortune alone that I flicked over to Channel 5 to find myself greeted with Bryn Dowling’s fucking ridiculous face that he’s so comfortable with wearing.  Warbling at us in his homo-erotic tones whilst desperately trying to read the autocue, he looked as comfortable as a man who’s had a healthy percentage of the Ryanair cabin crew wedged firmly inside his asshole. I thought, ‘fuck it, let’s see what this show has to offer me’.  Those who follow me on Twitter will know that I’ve always got a positive spin to put on reality TV offering’s – for example, my TOWIE commentaries are always full of praise for the gifted cast who positively enrich my life twice a week, so why not see if I could find some material to work with on Channel 5?  I wasn’t disappointed….

First in was Deana, a woman who at first glance was quite pretty... pretty fucking aggravating. I haven’t seen a woman look down her nose that much since Daniella Westbrook came out of septum surgery; she thinks she is the absolute bollocks.  In reality she’s probably got a pair of bollocks if Channel 5 is anything to go by - think along the lines of ‘Something about Miriam’ etc.  Deana was closely followed by Aaron, so closely in fact he was probably trying to look at his reflection in her shiny black mop.  This fella needs all of his teeth smashing out with a hammer and put back in upside down - He’s supposed to be a cage fighter?  Well his fucking grid looked like a cage, with a great white inside trying to nibble its way out.  Alright, he’s not bad looking but anyone who attempts that poxy Justin Bieber hairdo needs attacking with blunt sticks. Next came Caroline from Surrey dahhhhling... Hmmm, her fucking hair looked like it been borrowed from the Doctor in Back to the Future – Let’s see how long it takes for the silver spoon that’s been wedged firmly up her ass since birth to be stolen and used as drug paraphernalia by resident cribs gang-banger Adam, who at 27 looks like he’s spent a good 50 years delivering papers in the Himalayas.  If that c*nt is 27 then it must be in fucking dog years!  He looks like a fat, black John Travolta. Someone take him shopping when he gets out, that Byrite waistcoat had me vomming into my own lap…..which was inconvenient as I was getting damn near fellated to death by the cat!

We also had the lovely Shevonne from Lewisham who looks very much like a young Sinitta (when I say young I mean 48).  What the fuck is going on in Saaaaf Londaaan?  Shevonne doesn’t drink the water apparently, but if I was her I’d start on the fluids lively, I haven’t seen an ageing process that suspect since Benjamin Button! Hmmmm who else was there?  Oh yes, the lovely Conor, I didn’t think I could feel any more venom towards an Irishman than that which I harbour towards Danny from the Script/the voice/the fuck knows what he’s from….but this c*nt thinks his fucking David Beckham?!  I wouldn’t mind but for someone with railings that fucking crooked he is taking the piss, his grid looked like Stepney after the war, a row of bombed houses?! What did his mum feed him with a fuckin catapult??

Then there was Lauren from Jersey…I don’t know about you but people from the Channel Islands freak me out, Wicker Man weirdness - I’m pretty sure she’s been touched inappropriately by someone she trusts, although she is a black belt so I’m looking forward to her putting some sick moves on Deena the snotty c*nt!

We were then treated to Luke Scrase (which sounds a little bit too close to scrotum for my liking). I took an immediate dislike to this cretin after he opted to turn up for his first time on TV in what looked suspiciously like a purple Ben Sherman shirt - apparently he’s a club promoter, which as he’s from Stoke On Trent, means his fucking jobless as there isn’t a club worth promoting in that shithole – It probably also means that the purple Ben Sherman is currently being paid for week by week along with most of the other possessions in his house via Littlewoods finance….MUG! I was also deeply offended by his Professor Green haircut.  I honestly feel that if you’re going to copy Pro Green’s do then you should let me glass you in the neck just to complete the transformation.  Apparently he wants 4 kids in the next 5 years which is fucking optimistic even by Gary Glitter’s standards….god help us all!

I think we then had Lydia who looks like a shit Nelly Furtado (so we’ll call her Nearly Fur-Turdo).  She seemed bland, uninteresting and forgettable... then it was revealed that she was soon to become a member of one of the most sinister, incestuous families in British history!  No she’s not marrying one of Fred West’s lot, she’s engaged to Andy Scott Lee!  Apparently Josef Fritzel’s daughter turned down a projected move to the Scott-Lee foster home as she thought they were too fucking weird... Anyway, Lydia will be gone on Friday after her meltdown 10 minutes into the program.  I’ll keep an eye out for her on the news!

Then we had my tip for the win... Benedict, the grotty old porn star ex Teacher from Beal High School (which is just round the corner to where I live).  He’s good looking, obviously got a bit of a piece on him, well dressed and charismatic – This geezer can do no wrong... apart from the fact that he’s got a tongue fatter than Jamie Oliver’s and when he gets excited there’s so much saliva flying round the room the need for lube is reduced 100 fold.  I haven’t seen that much moisture since David Milliband and Louis Spence had a competition over who could say sausages the most in 5 minutes whilst sitting in a sauna, in speedos, salivating….!! MOIST

I think we were then treated to what looked like a real life Teddy Ruxpin but was in fact Chris James, which worried me as he possesses both my middle and last names but is hopefully of no relation... Apparently he’s a doorman, but he looked more like a door, dressed head to toe in High and Mighty clobber and with a voice so squeaky that my dog puked up and tried to have sex with one of my trainers.  If this fella tried to throw me out of a club i’d tickle him and then beat him to death with his own bracelet…….overrated and overweight!

We then had some chef called Luke who bored me instantly, then I read that he’s transgender and started life as a woman and thought to myself “thank fuck there’s some normality in there at last”.  How long shall we give it before he bursts into tears and starts lactating in the corner before breastfeeding Scott Mason, who at 21 looks like he’s spent a good part of his life underwater pretending to be a barracuda?  I haven’t seen a moosh that fish-like since Lydia from TOWIE inflicted her all-seeing cod-eye upon us nearly 2 years ago.

Sara was ushered in around this time looking 8 foot tall and HOT until she opened her mouth and I realised that she sounded like a Glaswegian crack head who’d probably stab you to death if you didn’t make her cum first time round……nice to look at but seems fiery, how long till she head butts another girl??

I can’t remember a thing about Caroline so I’m going to move on to my instant least favourite housemate, the lovely Ashleigh.  If you hadn’t guessed from her beautiful accent, she’s from Essex, although I thought she sounded like she was straight out of a skip in Tilbury - I haven’t seen a hole that dirty since I went swimming at Canvey Island and ended up with a nappy stuck to my boat.  Apparently her dream job is to be an Air Hostess - to me that’s just another way of saying “I’d like to sample as much intercontinental penis as possible and get paid for it please”.  Where the fuck did they dig up this disgusting c*nt?  I will pay good money for Deana and Lauren to tag team this whore and iron her out before letting Benedict loose on her with his wet mouth and his well educated weapon.  It’s good to know that after TOWIE we’ve got people like Ashleigh helping to maintain the high standards of Essex set by that bunch of c*nts...

With that, i’m out - enjoy the next 10 weeks, I’m off to take my hormone tablets, grow some tits and audition for next year.

Fuck You

Kev James

@LLKevJisBack

(Morsh says you can appluade now)